Things I Find Myself Saying

Sometimes it's simply that I haven't had enough caffeine or that it's a full moon. Sometimes, I think it's a lack of oxygen to the brain or that the obvious isn't obvious enough. Regardless of the reason, sometimes I find myself saying the wildest things:

(First I should tell you that I have Glaucoma that is rapidly getting worse, I'm only 36)
-I don't want to take my eye drops! It burns! And besides I want a dog. When you're blind, they have to let you have a dog. I'd do anything to have a dog.

(The 9 year-old wanted me to pick up her cousins to come over but I didn't have the car that day)
-Oh yeah, we can go get them. I'll just ride my bike five miles to their house then they can each tie a string onto the back of the bike and I'll drag them all the way back.

Yes I'll be a virgin when I marry my fiance. All three of my children were concieved immaculately. Yes, it's true that we are already living together, but you don't know what we don't do in the privacy of our bedroom. You don't know me!

You don't like what I made for dinner? I can't marry you now! You have to leave! It's over. Why are you asking if my period started? I'm just not talking to you now...

Did I ever tell you that if you kiss a boy you'll get pregnant?

You know what I've noticed, Honey? Ever since you've been cooking, I've been really sick all the time. Now a suspicious person would think that perhaps you might be poisoning me. If you're trying to make sure I don't leave you this is not the way. So, I'm just gonna say right now, if you are poisoning me, just stop it. I love you very much. Just stop it.

No, I don't mind if you eat sunflower seeds on my side of the bed. I like to wake up in the middle of the night with sunflower seeds stuck to my ass.

I'm utterly convinced that many rappers could be rehabilitated into sign language interpreters.