I was born to the problem
I was born to the problem:
A matriarchy full of feminists that bowed and cowtowed to the shuffle and scrape of the masculine boot, but told me I must never do the same. From the cradle I was told not to let a man define me, but taught to serve them til my food grew cold. Never let them think they have you, never sit in their chair. An endless game with the male as the opponent. It needs an opponent.
A more succinct problem:
I was never beautiful. I had fewer chips to play the odds. I learned to jump through hoops instead. I learned to search faces for one with laughing eyes. One who refuses to play by their rules. Who sees me as an equal. When he sees me, he’ll know me and everything will be well.
A larger problem:
We are a lost generation. We are isolated from each other. Our mothers taught us not to trust the other sex in the playing of the game. We live in one place and work in another. Our isolation increases. The rules of engagement foiled the playing of the game in our work space. I get older. The battle is now fought in crowded rooms where the exchange is stunted. I lose.
An unforseen problem:
I get older, the rules have changed once again. They dictate taking everything that we are, winding it down into a critical mass. A few paragraphs, to read. Because no one goes out anymore. The game is now played on the underground-the internet. I play the odds, write an ad. Titled: The Next 30 Seconds. It reads: I know that I have only the next 30 seconds for you to decide whether to answer this ad. How can anyone decide a whole lifetime of possibilities in 30 seconds? Life is an awesome thing. If I learn in the course of mine to appreciate each moment then I will die happy. As this moment hangs before you for your inspection, what are you thinking? Will you answer? Did I say something that reached you deep at the heart of what you are?
I receive 100 responses. I’m very popular with accountants. I go on 30 dates. 20 of them fall in love with me on the phone. I date one for almost a year. But it never works out. Even though I increase the odds. Maybe because I increased the odds. But there had been something lurking-something fundamental. And I think: Am I subverting nature? Have our lifestyles and upbringing preverted nature so that we have difficulty coming together and staying together?
I met someone recently who was born on the same day I was, the same hour. We drink the same tea. We read the same books, we think many of the same thoughts.
And he’d always been alone. It’s what I had always rallied against. At least when there was an opponent, you weren’t alone. But maybe, the real problem is: that I am supposed to be alone. And there would be nothing left to say.
A matriarchy full of feminists that bowed and cowtowed to the shuffle and scrape of the masculine boot, but told me I must never do the same. From the cradle I was told not to let a man define me, but taught to serve them til my food grew cold. Never let them think they have you, never sit in their chair. An endless game with the male as the opponent. It needs an opponent.
A more succinct problem:
I was never beautiful. I had fewer chips to play the odds. I learned to jump through hoops instead. I learned to search faces for one with laughing eyes. One who refuses to play by their rules. Who sees me as an equal. When he sees me, he’ll know me and everything will be well.
A larger problem:
We are a lost generation. We are isolated from each other. Our mothers taught us not to trust the other sex in the playing of the game. We live in one place and work in another. Our isolation increases. The rules of engagement foiled the playing of the game in our work space. I get older. The battle is now fought in crowded rooms where the exchange is stunted. I lose.
An unforseen problem:
I get older, the rules have changed once again. They dictate taking everything that we are, winding it down into a critical mass. A few paragraphs, to read. Because no one goes out anymore. The game is now played on the underground-the internet. I play the odds, write an ad. Titled: The Next 30 Seconds. It reads: I know that I have only the next 30 seconds for you to decide whether to answer this ad. How can anyone decide a whole lifetime of possibilities in 30 seconds? Life is an awesome thing. If I learn in the course of mine to appreciate each moment then I will die happy. As this moment hangs before you for your inspection, what are you thinking? Will you answer? Did I say something that reached you deep at the heart of what you are?
I receive 100 responses. I’m very popular with accountants. I go on 30 dates. 20 of them fall in love with me on the phone. I date one for almost a year. But it never works out. Even though I increase the odds. Maybe because I increased the odds. But there had been something lurking-something fundamental. And I think: Am I subverting nature? Have our lifestyles and upbringing preverted nature so that we have difficulty coming together and staying together?
I met someone recently who was born on the same day I was, the same hour. We drink the same tea. We read the same books, we think many of the same thoughts.
And he’d always been alone. It’s what I had always rallied against. At least when there was an opponent, you weren’t alone. But maybe, the real problem is: that I am supposed to be alone. And there would be nothing left to say.
3 Comments:
You SO rock!
I want to have your child.
AllanO' (tribe.net)
oh, gee, Jacqueline -- I'm amazed at your stark writing and lovely evocative everything. and wah, do you EVER have a sense of humor and beauty.
this blog does rock, I'm glad I started reading it and getting to know something about you through it.
I grew up in a mystery culture similar to the one that spawned you, babe -- a houseful of women who believed in women's strength while being abused by the men they loved, who were in turn -- FEMINISTS????????? oy!!!!!!!! [grinning]
& like you, I was never 'classically beautiful' but who cared -- Katherine Hepburn once remarked that plain girls get more men because they have to become interesting.
but I just wanted to say, dates or no, accountant hordes notwithstanding, revolutions crashing and breaking like waves on the sand or not -- you're never ALONE. you're always carrying the god energy in you, or perhaps I should say the goddess energy!? but the point is, the divine is IN you and all around you (I know you know this, but I'm just on topic today -- [evil gleam] -- humor the madwoman on the blog) and always walking with you.
you're never alone. and that's why there's EVERYTHING left to say... and you're saying it.
& it's a pleasure to know you. - Alx
PS of course I also have a SERIOUS bone to pick, now, because unintentionally I had to start my own bloody blog just to be able to respond to a post on YOURS! (and you said tribe.net is the gateway to hell.... uh, huh... !!!)
so I'm just screwing around with it, like a kid playing with a new toy -- alxindia@blogspot.com.
if you read it, be kind.
you're the first person to see it. -A.
He could feel the inner heat, the wetness that was saturating the crotch of the pantyhose. My words fell on deaf ears as the couple continued their passionatesession.
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He could feel the inner heat, the wetness that was saturating the crotch of the pantyhose. My words fell on deaf ears as the couple continued their passionatesession.
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