On Why I Became a One Girl Revolution

When my fiancé met me he said he knew that there was a different girl under what I had become. He said that he knew that there was more than an icy exterior and the megolamaniac ravings of a mad woman. There were reasons that were intriguing to him, because at first they were unreachable. I have lived a simple life, an existence intended to create humility in its occupant. It’s a lesson God and Karma have given to me that I have accepted gradually.
I grew up with the reasonably affluent. I understand decadence. My life has been a cautionary tale about the distinction between want and need. At some point, simplicity must be embraced as a means of saving the soul. We take nothing into this world. And it is certain that in the end, we can hold on to nothing.
So, what is important, then? What remains? For me, it was those I loved. But you see, even in this, there are pitfalls. Hold on to people too tight and their love will elude you. Keep them close so that you can keep them safe and they will slowly suffocate. And I know that in the end, the fear that you fear most will be the one that comes true.
I was raped when I was nineteen. The thing is, it wasn’t violent. There were no visible scars. He had been Special Forces in the military. I knew he could kill me if he wanted. And at the time, I had a young child at home, far away, sleeping in her bed. More than anything I wanted to come back to her. So I cooperated. More than anything else in my life, the fact that I cooperated crushed my spirit and lay ruin to my soul. If I had to go back and live through it all again, I would fight to the death. There are some things that are more valuable than your life.
I learned as much about martial arts as I could after that. I bought a gun. Time passed. I had more children. Life seemed to go on. My grip on life seemed to grow tighter and tighter. I was fiercely overprotective of the people in my life to the point of paranoia.
One day I learned that someone I loved more than anything had been gang raped. I had failed somehow in my responsibility to protect them. Reality itself shattered for me that day. My rage was unfathomable. I couldn’t live with it or myself.
I completely lost touch with reality for awhile. I began to buy knives. I bought books that I’m sure put me on the FBI watch list. Survival guides. The Special Forces handbook. Books on how to blow things up, cause pain. Because the world is a harsh place and I was trying desperately to find a way to feel safe, to always be safe, to never be afraid again, or powerless. To protect the weak. To protect myself. I became someone I was not.
I began to take chances. I found causes. I became a revolutionary. No one that I saw suffer would ever suffer if I were there. Before, all the minor revolutions that I was always starting in the world, had always been peaceful ones. But this was violent and I came to realize, could only end in the further degradation of my soul. If my fiancé hadn’t come along, I would never have begun to let go just a little. Or to learn to sleep sometimes without gripping the pillow. Life is full of learning to live with unconscionable events with grace and still having love somehow. We are never really safe. The only way to love, and laugh long and hard each and every day is to let go of pain and fear. In the end, the fear that you fear most will be the means of your destruction. Fear nothing.